I’m British, and I love being British.

And I’m English, and I love being English.

But not the flag-shagging kind of English, whose idea of a good time is hanging a George Cross on a roundabout lamppost.

I’m the tea-and-biscuit-loving kind of English. The kind who says ‘whoopsy daisy,’ who wholeheartedly believes in queue etiquette, and who will – without fail – use the weather as a conversation opener, whether you’re the stranger on the train or my closest family member.

I think politeness and courtesy are essential to the proper running of a civilised society.

I think that if you don’t put your trolley back in the trolley park when you’re done with it, you’re a prick.

I think if you park in a disabled spot when you don’t have a blue badge, you’re also a prick.

I think if you park in the parent and child parking spaces when you don’t have a child with you, you too are a prick. Unless you’ve got a blue badge; then you’re all good.

I think that if the reason you don’t put your trolley back in the trolley park when you’re done with it is because you’ve sent it on its merry way to dent the driver-side door of a prick who’s parked in the parent and child parking space without a child or a blue badge, then you too are all good; and I hope your pillow is always cool.

I think trans women are women and trans men are men.

I think people’s inability and unwillingness to understand other people’s mindset and viewpoints outside of their own is what leads to fear of and anger directed at whole groups of people that are just trying to exist. This applies across world society – not just to the trans community. In any case I think trans people should be allowed to choose the toilets of the gender they present as, because nobody should be looking at anyone else’s bits in the toilets anyway.

I think the only reason the trans bathroom conversation is even happening in the first place is because of men.

I know it’s not all men – not by a long shot. There are so many decent men out there (my own husband, who is the greenest of flags, being one of them)…

But it’s always a man.

I think the men who understand this are my kind of people. And I think the men who are triggered by this, or by any woman ‘choosing the bear,’ are the whole fucking problem.

I think the ‘manosphere’ is the biggest cultural threat to my children’s generation – girls and boys alike; and I pray to a god I don’t even believe in that we can raise our son with enough compassion and empathy for his sister, his mother, his grandmothers, and his friends to not only understand the absurdity of the red-pill philosophy, but to be brave enough to call it out when he sees others who’ve bought into it.

I think that to the oppressor, equality feels like injustice.

I think the argument that women are too emotional to be in charge of anything is complete and utter bullshit.

I think emotional men, with their greed, anger, and lust have been responsible for all war and suffering and death since the dawn of humanity. 

I think that if the softer, more empathetic nature of women was valued by society in place of the male values of money, power, and control, the human race and the planet we inhabit would be in a far different and far better place than it is right now.

I think that if men had to menstruate for decades, carry pregnancies, give birth through their bodies, feed their babies with their bodies, put their careers on hold, lose their identities to parenting, and deal with the life-long physical and mental scars all of this leaves on a person, there wouldn’t be many families with multiple children.

I think that as a white woman raised in a very white part of the world I have absolutely no right to stick my oar in on any conversations around race, and how people of different races feel about their own lived experiences.

I think it’s my job to listen and learn, and that in doing so I can be a much better ally.

I also think that every time I see that picture with the Black kid and the white kid who are best friends, and who’ve both had their heads shaved, and now they’re convinced their teacher won’t be able to tell them apart, is beautiful and heartwarming; and that if the innocence and acceptance these two kids demonstrate in this story stayed with every kid into adulthood the world would be a much better place.

I think that there’s no way this can ever happen, which makes me sad.

I think that as a society we need to be able to separate the art from the artist; the work from the creator.

I think the world would be a much poorer place if we rid from it the legacies of the likes of Thomas Edison, Henry Ford, Steve Jobs, Albert Einstein, Roald Dahl, Charles Dickens, Wagner, Dr. Seuss, John Lennon, or Walt Disney, all of whom were notorious arseholes.

I think the backlash against J.K. Rowling’s comments on the trans community is justified.

I also think that cancelling Harry Potter, and expecting what’s now two generations of fans to discard a huge part of their own personal and often deeply meaningful history because of the views of its creator is only going to damage the trans community’s cause in the long run.

I think the system is designed to keep the masses down, in our place, where the 1% think we belong.

I think the 1% don’t realise how close they are to being right down here with us.

I think the system relies on the media keeping us distracted, divided, and pointing fingers at each other rather than upwards; and I think that it’s working.

I think that keeping people poor is a feature, not a bug; because exhausted, struggling people don’t have the time or energy to organise or resist.

I think that no politician is ever going to please everybody – even their own supporters.

I think that Starmer standing up to Trump was giving peak Hugh Grant energy in Love Actually, and I can’t remember the last time I felt more proud of a British politician (actually, I’ve never felt proud of a British politician; my point still stands).

I think that everybody should register to vote and get out there to cast a ballot whenever and however they can.

I think the people that benefit most from understanding the political system will vote.

I think those who suffer the most from decisions made by those in power won’t, and I think it’s this that prevents real change from happening.

I think Farage is a cunt; a Temu Trump who’s desperate for attention.

I think he’s trying to ride the coattails of what he sees as Trump’s success, and that no matter how many elections he loses, he’s going to continue to do and say anything and everything he thinks his far right nutjob followers want to hear to keep himself relevant.

I think the British public won’t stand for his nonsense, but when the likes of the BBC continue to crawl up his arse and keep him in the public eye, the vocal minority of small-minded, easily-manipulated, racist, sexist pricks continue to see him as someone worth following. However small this minority is, it’s alarming they even exist at all.

I think Donald Trump is the most dangerous piece of shit the world has seen in a very long time, and that his stupidity only makes him more dangerous.

I think the people pulling his strings in the shadows behind him are the most dangerous pieces of shit that this world will never know about, and I think it’s those people the world should really be scared of.

I think it’s extremely fortuitous that his last name is synonymous with a fart in British colloquialism, and the fact he can’t trust a single one of his own farts is a great source of hilarity for us Brits – including my own two children, who know him as the bad old fart man who wears nappies. 

I think that the fact he’s emboldened paedophiles and rapists to crawl out of the woodwork is horrifying. I think the fact that these people existed in the first place within the woodwork is even more so. 

I think the American media should never be trusted again after censoring his antics from the American people. If you’re reading this and you’re American, please find an international or independent news source while you still can.

I think the damage Trump has done to his country – and to the wider world – is irreversible. 

I think I’ll likely never return to the States; this is another thing that makes me sad. 

I think that Israeli children and Palestinian children both have every right to grow up and live free and safe lives, and that the deaths of innocent civilians on both sides is an unconscionable tragedy.

I wholeheartedly agree with Mohu’s stance that Netanyahu is a disaster and Hamas is a disaster, and that they can both get fucked to hell.

I think politics should not enter the conversation when children are dying.

I think Putin is evil.

I think Zelensky is a hero, who continues to demonstrate grace, humility, and dignity in the most difficult of circumstances on the most public of stages. For his efforts I hope he wins the Nobel prize he’s been nominated for, and I hope that the news of his win is the thing that finally shuffles Ol’ Cankles Mcshitty-Knickers off this mortal coil, so that we can all wake up to the big beautiful obituary we’ve been waiting for. (Remember that weekend we all thought it’d happened? Good times.)

I think the fact that so many people are willing to risk their lives to cross the English channel in tiny boats is a human tragedy.

I think that to even consider undertaking such a dangerous journey these people must be escaping horrors the like of which we cannot comprehend.

I think reframing them as migrants instead of what they are – refugees – was a disgusting move by our government, and I think as a nation we need to have much more compassion and empathy for them.

I think abortion is healthcare. 

I think that until pro-life actually includes the life of the child being brought into the world and the life of the mother who carries and births the child, pro-lifers can shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down.

I think that nobody should be forced to carry and give birth to a child against their will.

I think the decision to carry and birth a child lies entirely with the mother.

I think that nobody should be forced to become a parent against their will (yes, this includes men, too).

I think pregnancy and birth are the most difficult and dangerous things a woman can experience in her life. My experience of carrying two very wanted pregnancies and parenting two very loved children has only solidified my belief that both of these things must be a choice a woman makes freely and enthusiastically.

I think that taking whatever medication gets a birthing mother through the worst pain she’s ever going to endure is not a failure, and she should be able to make the decision free from judgement – especially from other women who think they’re superior because they birthed unmedicated.

I think that vaginal births and caesarean births are both births, and that both make you a mother (another thing I can’t believe I’m having to say).

I think that the recovery from my emergency c-section for a breech baby was the most brutal, painful thing I’ve ever experienced, and I would take a vaginal delivery over having another c-section every single time.

I think the fact women are expected to remove their own dressings in hospital and to go home with no pain medication the day after a c-section – which is major abdominal surgery – is medieval.

I think fed is best. Some women just aren’t cut out for breastfeeding, and that’s ok. That’s literally why formula exists.

I think anyone who gets on their high horse about seeing someone breastfeeding in public should get a squirt of breastmilk in their face for karma. 

I think gentle parenting is not an excuse to let your kids run feral. 

I think setting strong, consistent, and fair boundaries with children when they’re little is hard in the moment, but necessary in the long run.

I think that if you worry about whether you’re a good parent you’re probably doing a fine job.

I think children should be taught the proper names for body parts, even if it means your toddler runs round screaming ‘vulva’ at the top of her lungs for a couple of weeks.

I think vaccinations save lives. 

I think the doctor who faked the link between MMR and autism – Andrew Wakefield – should be jailed or publicly hanged; I really don’t care which at this point.

I think even if vaccinations did cause autism, an autistic child is better than a dead child. But they don’t. He lied. Get your kids vaccinated. And yourself if you’re missing any boosters.

I think quality of life is much more important than quantity of life.

I think that people should be able to choose the manner and timing of their own death.

I think to keep people alive against their will in circumstances of pain and indignity is inhumane in the extreme.

I think the NHS is one of the most valuable things this country has ever built.

I think it’s in desperate need of an overhaul, from top to bottom – an exercise that’s going to take time and money, and a commitment from everyone in the country; and I think it’s going to be worth every penny.

I think the prospect of Farage or anyone in Reform privatising any part of the NHS should strike fear into the heart of every single person living in Britain; and if it doesn’t, I think you’re very lucky to not have needed it badly enough yet.

I think the people working inside the NHS are angels. Some of the best doctors, nurses, porters, technicians, and support staff weren’t born in this country, and without them I think there’s a good chance I wouldn’t be here today. 

I think the gender disparity in wider medical research even now is an abomination. 

I think the healthcare system in the UK is designed to treat symptoms instead of causes.

I think antidepressants have been used as a sticking plaster for far too long – thrown at problems that need proper investigation, proper time, and proper therapy. But I think antidepressants save lives and are an entirely appropriate first line treatment alongside investigations and therapy.

I think that in spite of all of its failings and misgivings, I would much rather have the NHS exactly as it is than have to live with the healthcare model of the United States.

I think ADHD is not being overdiagnosed amongst women in the UK. 

I think Wes Streeting is a nob who is trying to gaslight us all into believing that his government and all the governments before this one didn’t fail generations of girls and women by missing and misdiagnosing ADHD in them for decades.

I think that ADHD is not a superpower. I get wanting to flip a negative situation on its head, but this attitude is damaging to those for whom ADHD is a crippling disability that impacts every area of their lives. 

Also, everyone does not have a little bit of ADHD. Fuck that.

I think the fact the UK government banned guns after the first school shooting is something the US should have learned from a long time ago.

I think children as young as four having to do active shooter drills is horrifying, and I have no idea how parents in the US cope with the sheer terror of sending their kids into school every day. 

I think climate change is real, it’s happening, and the science is not up for debate. 

I think it’s extremely convenient for Big Oil that the climate conversation has shifted to individual responsibility. To be clear, I think individual choices matter; but I think we need to be honest about who is really responsible for the state we’re in, and stop letting the actual culprits off the hook while we argue about paper straws.

I think that if developed and applied properly and carefully, AI has the potential to change the world for the better; the planet, its societies, healthcare, accessibility, and so many other wonderful applications that will benefit and even save millions – if not billions – of lives.

Unfortunately, I think it will not be developed and applied properly and carefully. Not consistently, at least. 

I think that as a neurodivergent person with multiple chronic illnesses who’s growing a business, managing a household, and raising children, AI is – and will continue to be – an essential tool in my life. 

I think that art, literature, and other creative spaces can only be authentically created from the combination of unique and uniquely human experiences, and that AI has no place at all in these spaces.

I think that if you need the threat of eternal damnation to be a good person in this life you’re probably not a good person.

I think that organised religion on the whole now only serves to control those within it, and that women and children in particular are the ones who suffer most.

I think that too many people need reminding that their religion prohibits them from doing something; it doesn’t prevent everyone else from being able to do the same thing.

However I think that every individual is entitled to their religious beliefs, and I will defend any individual’s right to hold them.

I think that the diet culture from the late 90s/early 2000s did untold damage to an entire generation of impressionable girls and young women, who still carry the scars – physical and mental – to this day.

I am one of those women.

I think that millennial commentary and concern in the wake of more widespread GLP-1 use, the insane trend of buccal fat removal, and unnatural thinness on influential celebrities who previously looked healthy and well for their frames is not body shaming, but the collective recognition of giant red flags signalling the return of heroin chic, anorexia, and a lifetime of body dysmorphia for the next generation of girls and young women – our daughters and granddaughters. This cannot be allowed to happen; not again.

I think the earth is round. Like Mohu, I genuinely can’t believe we’re at a point now where this even has to be said. For fuck’s sake people, it just is. It’s round. 

I think that unless you plan to enter a career that specifically requires higher education, a university degree is a nice-to-have if you can afford it.

I think that listening to books counts. Just because you don’t read the words on a page doesn’t mean you haven’t digested the material.

I think that for those with auditory processing differences or sight loss, audiobooks open up worlds that were previously inaccessible to them. But regardless, those who don’t have time to sit and read, or who just prefer not to, shouldn’t miss out on the experience of consuming literature for pleasure.

I think that writing is one of the most cathartic things one can do. It’s taken me nearly 40 years, but I’ve finally built a writing habit that’s beginning to heal something in me.

I think I’ve got a book in me somewhere. I don’t know what it’s about or when it’s going to come, but I believe it’ll show itself when it’s ready.

I think the Oxford Comma is an essential element of the English language, and I will defend it to the death.

I think that the legend Stephen Fry was absolutely correct in his view that swearing is an essential, joyful, and rich part of human communication. I think profanity adds texture to our languages, has the power to relieve physical pain, and that a well-placed ‘cunt’ can seal the deal on an argument. 

I think that jam should go on a scone before the cream. A spread of jam and a dollop of cream on top is the only way to get the right ratio of scone:jam:cream. If you dollop jam on top of a spread of cream the whole thing will be too sweet. Sorry Devonians, it’s Cornish all the way for me. I do love your custard though.

I think the correct order of operations for making a cup of tea is bag > sugar > water > brew for at least 4 minutes > teabag out > milk. Milk before water makes you a fucking psychopath.

I think Twinings English Breakfast is the best – nay, the only – tea. I will not elaborate and I will not debate.

And in a final nod to Mohu I’m going to have to disagree with his stance on bananas. A just-ripe banana is an absolute delight. Especially when you’re slightly hungover. 

Olives, on the other hand… that’s a hill I will die on. They’re fucking disgusting, they stink to high heaven, and there is no place for them in any dish. The oil they produce, however, is divine.